Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
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I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.