@Cpin42: Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
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@PinkCamoTO: *interview for new roommate* Ninja: I know it's a small place, but you won't even know I'm here.
@KeetPotato: [at my date's front door] wait, so you've known i was a koala the whole time? "yeah" [me clinging to her arm slowly eating a leaf] how tho?
@narcoticpanda: *gets hit by a car* Passerby: "ARE YOU OKAY?" Me: "Please... I need my... phone" *opens Twitter* Me: "LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT"