Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
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Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?