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@XplodingUnicorn: The heaviest things in the world: 4) iron 3) lead 2) tungsten 1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
@Book_Krazy: Mommy what's an "Act of God?" Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an "active god" is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
@thetits: [Later, Snake sees a Lizard] Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously?? *God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
@buttcrunchy: "honey why is our water bill so high?" *water bill sits there holding a bong* hahahah duuuude i don't know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?