[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
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I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Sign of the day..
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh