@decentbirthday: Some lady just wrong-number texted me so I tried being funny but I think I scared her off from going to brunch
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@Goofpoops: Cop cars aren't very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I'll stop in a heartbeat
@stephenjmolloy: Newsreader: "And now Tom with the weather." Weatherman: "It's Tim, actually." Newsreader: "Sorry. And now Tom with the tim."
@mommy_cusses: She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question. -Parent version of Clue