@decentbirthday: Some lady just wrong-number texted me so I tried being funny but I think I scared her off from going to brunch
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@Kyle_Lippert: Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
@Haha_No_Mofo: My doctor told me, "DON'T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
@relatabledad: no actually it's called an "african-american" eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
@KeetPotato: fiance: "just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he'll agree to marry us" me: "okay" [at church] priest: "it's nice to meet you both" me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] "jesus what happened to this guy?"