“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
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A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything