@decentbirthday: Some lady just wrong-number texted me so I tried being funny but I think I scared her off from going to brunch
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@sammyrhodes: Marriage is like wine. It gets better with age. Also it makes you say things you regret.
@chuuew: I don't believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn't get any balance laying on his shell.
@InternetHippo: Me: Going to stop being mad. Maybe take up meditation Person in front of me at Chipotle: I'm ordering for 5 people Me: I will kill you
@Dawn_M_: I'm crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.