Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
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How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?