Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
You Might Also Like
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Actually cracking up @ this
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?