Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
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If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.