11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
You Might Also Like
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*