You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
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Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
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National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Terribly Tuesday.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?