Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
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Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*