I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
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[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.