Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great