Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
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I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
peak technology
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
If you are reading this then you are reading this
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂