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@llvvzz: Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
@daemonic3: Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
@ericsshadow: ME: I had salmon for lunch.
WIFE: the L is silent.
ME: Ha, I knew that. I meant unch.
@MsMosman: Blocked a someone with "Social Media Specialist | Online Reputation Manager" in their bio just to mess with their head. And it's douchy.
@TheMichaelRock: Me: Whatcha doin?
12yo: Catching up on Walking Dead.
Me: Did Hershel die yet?
Me: Guess not.
@elle91: Looking at you, Jesus.