Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
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every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*