@lovemydogduck: Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
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@bridger_w: If I had a dog I'd say "I have a bone to pick with you!" and then we'd go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we'd laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
@Mr_Kapowski: You tell one kid there's candy inside an electrical outlet that can only be retrieved with a fork and you're never asked to babysit again
@BradBroaddus: Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
@hammbone84: [On phone with Pizza Hut] Me: I texted my order 4 hrs ago! PH: Are you sure you didn't tweet it...again? Me: PH: Sir? Me: K. Love you. Bye.