Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
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Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Hamburger Hinderer.
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Me: Same
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?