@lovemydogduck: Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
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@looktothepickle: If you love something set it free. *releases 4 year old son into downtown New York City*
@sofarrsogud: WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn't real? It's just part of series of fantasy novels. ME: *chasing an owl around my garden* WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
@NervousJr: "Ugh, you're so obsessed with me." Boss: "I just asked why you're twenty minutes late?"