Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
You Might Also Like
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Writing, She Murdered.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes