Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
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[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Breaking news:
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.