My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
You Might Also Like
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
I love the honesty
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.