Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
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I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
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I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday