Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
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It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
My background check bounced.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Only a mother’s love …
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family