A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
You Might Also Like
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
That’s not how days work.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Follow me for more life hacks.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters