Feel. He’s so soft.
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realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
And now we wait
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”