Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
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A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..