@corysnearowski: My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night

@JoParkerBear: Donald Trump is probably the closest we'll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.

@samuelhlowe: The best way to return any clothing left at your place is to do a drive-by with a t-shirt gun on her wedding day.

@QuotingJokes: I love how the Ninja Turtles wear masks to hide their identity. It's not like you're a giant turtle or anything.

@chelliet22: Maybe the reason you're not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.