Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
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*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself