Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
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Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Butt weight. There’s more!
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*