Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
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PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly