I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
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Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?