Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
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All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
seems like a niche market
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered