@Jesssicle: Some of you take selfies from so close up, I'm beginning to wonder if you're a T-Rex.
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@DirtMcTurd: [Weekend in NYC with my wife] Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend? Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
@OhighIsis: Mom called to ask if I'd take her shopping. Me: What time? Mom: Anytime between 1-4. Apparently my Mom works for the cable company now.
@shesananteater: I need to get a car wash but my dogs' nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I'm gonna let that play out first.
@Exclusive001: Truthful Tuesday: Sometimes I just say "Hello" back because there are too many witnesses around to stab you repeatedly in the face.