@Jesssicle: Some of you take selfies from so close up, I'm beginning to wonder if you're a T-Rex.
@Sims_was_here: My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you're drunk
@PinchSuckBlow: When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
@FussySaffa: When your partner asks how many people you have ever slept with, answering 'what did I say the last time you asked?' is unwise, apparently.
@rickolantern: They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
@jake_likes_naps: Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks