Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
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What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
anyone else like Italian cereal
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?