Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
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*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.