Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
You Might Also Like
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
#Caturday