Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
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She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
*me flirting
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Hey I worked for it too!
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
this is what they would have looked like, though
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.