Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
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I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
For cardio I live beyond my means.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits