Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
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SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!