Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
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The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
want me to check your oil?