Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
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[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
How it started: How it’s going:
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician