Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
You Might Also Like
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Probably my best painting.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Steam Forums