If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
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My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”