@PeaceInTruth1: Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
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@EndhooS: [Wakes up in hospital after car crash] I'm afraid we had to amputate both of your feet. "OMG why?" You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
@moxieblogger: Dear God, Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing. ~ All women
@corysnearowski: In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he'd yell "HOt DOG" then howl like a wolf & give away his position
@DanMentos: *runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN'T LOCALLY SOURCED *sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*