Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
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Bruh PLEASE
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact