Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
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“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry