Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
You Might Also Like
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
I feel seen.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.