Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
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Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then