Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
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[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
i could never be president. im overqualified.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)