Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
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[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy