@samalmightysam: Some people are like water balloons; they're more fun when you throw them out the window.
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@Steelers1972: I passed a homeless guy who asked "Any change!?" I said "Nope, your still dirty and homeless". We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
@shutupmikeginn: The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you'd almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
@007Pepe_Rex: Top 3 questions asked by my parents: 3) How's the business? 2) Do you have a girlfriend? 1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
@sageboggs: Listen up, guys Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it's also a checklist for anyone about to propose