Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
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Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*