Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
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The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Your secret is safeish with me
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
groan^2
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
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*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”